Fuck man idk.
Ego is everything I fear. Ego is everything I am.
I've gotten to the point where I assume all problems are derived at some point by ego; yet paradoxically ego is also the reason I blame my self for all my problems.
Ego is why I choose not to love myself. Ego is why I choose not to love others. Ego is why I choose not to be loved.
As far as I know ego drives every single decision I make. Built directly as a survival technique to define every path as a selfish one.
I've told myself for my entire lifetime that ego is simply a fault you can overcome, but if my good deeds are just an illusion of grandure then what the fuck would I do without it. And as the rabbit hole goes down, my ego tells me that the previous statement is a lie. I am good, I do good, I am good, I do good, I am good, I do good. But I have no reason to do good. I do good because it feels good, which is good! But what if it doesn't feel good for some, are they bad because they're ego does not drive them to do “good”.
Are those that experience ego death simply building another wall of abstraction? Hopefully not, cause that's all I got left